How to Spot an Abuser: Clue #2 Jealousy
Rather than try to escape a bad relationship once it has begun, what if we could spot the red flags and stop abuser types beforehand?
In my book Urge Overkill: A Story of Breaking Free, I looked back and noticed it seemed that all of my ex’s abusive behavior stayed hidden below the surface of our six-month courtship.
It didn’t start until they began living together. This important clue didn’t surface until we had moved far away from our hometown, but it came up pretty quick once we did.
Clue #2: Acting jealous or possessive, accusing you of being with other partners.
Within a week of my ex’s moving out west to be with me, he became incensed one night when another man tried to kiss me. I ducked and moved away. My ex’s rage was not directed at the other man who crossed the line but squarely placed on my shoulders. It was the volume and intensity of his yelling that shocked me most.
The next day my girlfriend thought his reaction was sweet, like a sign of affection. Deep down it disturbed me. From then on, his jealousy and monitoring became consistent and stifling. So much that, in time, I’d often give up accepting certain social invitations to avoid the incessant scrutiny.
“Experiencing occasional feelings of jealously is normal, and sometimes even appropriate, within a relationship,” says Dani Bostick, a counselor and member of the American Counseling Association.
But not taking responsibility is a red flag. In healthy relationships, the partner who is feeling jealous should discuss his or her feelings with the other partner rationally.
He or she might say, “When you go out with your co-workers without inviting me, I feel insecure and jealous.” But people who are not emotionally intelligent will blame the partner for their own feelings, saying things like, “You make me crazy when you go out with your co-workers!”
Listen to yourself. “A huge red flag is when the partner who is being abused starts defending, explaining and accommodating the other partner,” Bostick says. “If you’re using sentences that start with ‘I was just …’ that’s generally a sign of abuse and control.”
I used those very words many times. “I was just dancing in a crowd not with the guy you are accusing me of being into,” I’d say. “ I was just talking to that person.” When I found myself trying to keep the peace at my own expense, I knew that relationship was unhealthy. It was time to go.
It took awhile to rearrange my whole life and move away but it was worth it.
For crisis and counseling services, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 or TTY 1–800–787–3224.
May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace.
For more info on the red flags of unhealthy relationships and the green flags of healthy ones visit me here: https://theyogascribe.wixsite.com/mysite
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